For me, being the mom of a son with Asperger’s has resulted
in many emotions over the years. Around every corner there has been a new
feeling. In the early years, soon after the diagnosis, my emotions were
sadness, hopelessness, panic and lots of confusion. Then, my “mommy bear” side
kicked in and I had hope, determination and amazing resilience. Sure, from week
to week, these emotions have shifted. There have been so many moments of pride,
joy, amazing love, exhaustion, despair and courage. On some days, these
emotions have changed from hour to hour.
The teenage years have created an emotion I did not
expect…vulnerability. I feel vulnerable around every turn. I wait for the
insults that so easily fly out of his mouth. Yesterday, I was wearing new
sunglasses and he looks at me and said, “You know those look ridiculous on you,
right?” I am pretty aware at this point that I am not going to take fashion
advice from my teen, but my feelings were still hurt.
During his therapy session yesterday, he made sure to remind
me (and the therapist) of how clumsy I am. Of course, it is completely true, clumsy
is my middle name. The real point is that it had nothing to do with anything
she was asking him, so I realize that is his way of avoidance, but my feelings
were still hurt.
After eating a meal I cooked for him the other night, he
informed me that it was “average”! He ate every last bite and asked for
seconds, so it wasn’t “too average”, but it still hurt my feelings!He lies to me daily. I want to trust him so much it hurts! I want to know that he will make the right choices. I want to know that when he looks me in the eyes, he is telling me the truth. I try to make every day a new day and do my best to trust him, but it is hard. He lies about everything from doing his homework, to brushing his teeth or taking a shower, to events that happened (or didn’t happen) at school. Every time he lies, it hurts and leaves me, well….vulnerable.
He does it to the entire family. We have all been hurt from time to time. My hubby is not around it as much. He gets hurt, but he just doesn’t feel it as deeply. He is able to let things roll off his back and move on.
My youngest son gets hurt so often because he has to balance the inability to believe and trust in his older brother (who is supposed to be there for him). It has really affected him deeply. It worries me and breaks my heart.
I love Hunter with every inch of my heart. I want the best for him in every way. I try every day to do the very best job I can at being his mom. I feel that even when I am at the top of my game, it is not good enough for him. I know that because he is the closest to me, I am an easy target, but it still hurts. It still makes me question myself and my ability as his mother.
I sometimes try to imagine into the future. How will I feel
when he is 20, 30, 40? What new emotions will there be? I don’t know what the
future holds, but I know that the only way to deal with the crazy emotions is
to ride them out. There is something about raw emotions that makes the human spirit
grow. I’ve learned who I am and what I am capable of doing! I have learned a
thing or two about not judging others until you have walked in their
shoes. I have learned that there is no
greater love than the love you have for your child, and you will go to the ends
of the earth to protect them. No matter what life throws my way, I will keep on loving him
through every twist, turn, and emotional bump in the road.
