As my oldest son with Aspergers enters this new stage, I just hope I am able to give him what he needs. Sometimes that seems like an impossible task. I find myself wanting to pull back and allow him to become his own man. I struggle with allowing him to fail. I struggle with knowing what my role actually is at this time of his life. Some days he still needs me a lot. Other days, he doesn't want me around at all. He is struggling to find his way. I am struggling to find my new role in his life. His new responsibilities on his path to become an adult are starting to overwhelm him, and I am struggling to help him navigate it all.
This morning, I grabbed my journal because I needed to write again. I wanted to get my thoughts on paper. Before I started to write, I looked back at my last few entries and realized that I had already written what I needed to say. My story was written in those small journal entries when I didn't have anything left to give. It wasn't uplifting or funny. It was just the true story of this "Sassy Aspie Mom's" life. Right now things are damn hard. Parenting a child with Aspergers through the teenage years is definitely a struggle, and my story is no exception.
The truth is, birth is about making strong competent, capable mothers, but strength isn't given to us. Rather, it is earned through pain and tears and and fear and doubt and love and compassion and excepting our mistakes and loving ourselves despite it all. It is because of those struggle, not in spite of them, that we finally begin to trust ourselves and gain that amazing inner strength that makes motherhood such a gift.