Sassy Aspie Mom turns 2!

Sassy Aspie Mom turned 2 last week. It is hard to believe that it has been two years since I sat down at my desk with my lap top in front of me and a cup of hot tea in hand. I had no idea what was going to end up on the screen. .

It had been a really stressful few months. We had moved; I knew very few people; and Hunter's hormones had reached an all-time high. Things were bad. My life was crazy! I didn't know how to handle his attitude. He didn't know how to deal with his emotions. Our family had come to a few crossroads, and I was at my breaking point. My husband sweetly said to me, "Why don't you start writing..." The rest is history.

As I sat at that desk, staring at the computer, I knew I needed to write for my sanity. I needed to get my feelings out; like therapy, an escape, a release of negative energy. What I didn't realize was that it would ignite a passion in me. It would get my creative juices flowing. It would give me something of my own.

Writing has truly been a blessing in my life, but the best gift has been the feedback from other parents. Many parents have thanked me for being so open and honest about our journey. Some have reached out because their child has been newly diagnosed or just to post positive comments. Other Autism Parent Bloggers have been welcoming and encouraging to me along the way. It has truly been an amazing experience!

When I began writing this blog, I wasn't aware of how wonderful my new adventure would be. I only knew how alone I felt. It never occurred to me that others were feeling the same way. Now I know. Now I get that the one common bond that unites Autism moms, dad, brothers and sisters, is that we often feel isolated. We want to be surrounded by others who truly get it. It is wonderful to be understood, supported and inspired by those who are living in the trenches every day!

I certainly don't have all the answers. Most days I don't have any answers at all! I'm just a mom doing the very best I can. Some days I succeed and other days I fail miserably. I don't know what's around the corner for "Sassy Aspie Mom," but I can't wait to find out. My hope is that it makes a few people feel a little less alone, and on days when things are tough, it gives hope.

 

She believed in me...

My Grandmother died the morning of Wednesday, March 11^th. The entire day was surreal.  I knew it was coming. It was no surprise, yet it was hard to believe she was gone. All that was left were years of memories.

Within the hour of her passing, I began making phone calls for her final arrangements. Hunter was on spring break and was still sleeping when I received the call about her death. When he heard me on the phone discussing flowers, he looked at me with a confused stare. I slowly took the phone from my ear and said, “I’m so sorry sweetie, Mama passed away this morning.” His response was, “Are you kidding me?” I gently said, “No.” He stared at me blankly, as if he didn’t know how to react. Then, he started asking me about our plans. He wanted to know days and times for our travels and what we would be doing when we got there.  He feels more in control when he know the timing of our plans for everything including dinner, ballgames, and weekend events, so I guess this was his way of gaining control of the situation. Then, he went on with his day, but stayed very quiet and introverted. 

I spent the rest of the day on the phone trying to get everything perfectly organized for her funeral, which was my way of taking control of the situation. It was the only way I could emotionally deal with it all.

My hubby left work early to pick up Grant from school. When Grant got home, I sat next to him on the sofa and told him Mama had passed away. He seemed unsure of himself, like he didn’t know if it was okay to cry or if he was supposed to cry or whether he needed to comfort me, so I told him it was okay to cry…he did, as I held him.

The rest of the day and next few day before we left for home were odd. We would all have moments of quiet sadness and moments of laughter. We were busy trying to get everything ready for the trip. Laundry, phone calls and last minute shopping were welcomed distractions from the harsh reality.

On the way home, I tried to write some words about my Grandmother. In my heart, I felt like I needed to write her eulogy. I needed to be the one to speak about this woman who was so special to me. My Grandmother and I had always been very close. I was her only grandchild and I looked up to her. People always told me I was the “apple of her eye”.  I was definitely a complete pain in her ass. We were both stubborn. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Our relationship was a unique blend of love, respect and a complete battle of wills.

My Grandmother loved me. I never had any doubts, but she would not hesitate to call me out. I could say anything to her. She made me demand more from myself because she demanded it from me.  She believed in me completely and always reminded me that I could be anything I wanted. She taught me the value of hard work and that respect is earned. 

The thing that has struck me most about my Grandmother’s passing is the realization of how much her belief in me shaped my life. I didn’t really realize how much it bolstered my self-confidence and helped me to dream big, until she was gone. Now, I know the importance of doing the same thing for my boys. I know the importance of making sure they know that I believe in them;  I believe they can do great things in life; I believe they can set this world on fire. Hopefully, they will believe it too!

My Grandmother is gone. Those words are unbelievably hard for me to type. However, the life lessons she taught me are here, and will live forever in my heart. They are the principles that guide me daily. They are gifts that will live on because I am teaching those same ideas to my boys, and hopefully they will pass them onto their children.  Losing her is hard, but it is because of everything she taught me that I’ll be okay in this life without her.

 

 

With overwhelming love and respect, I spoke these words at my Grandmother’s funeral on March 17^,th:

 

I have been struggling for the past few days to find the perfect words to say about my Grandmother. It is so hard to describe what a person means to you when they are so intricately woven into your being. How do you put those feelings into words?

My husband said, just say what you have always told me. Tell them about your relationship with her; that you were with her almost every weekend growing up; how she taught you to do your best, speak your mind and always be honest.

Suddenly, I knew what to say…This woman I called “Mama” was not the baking cookies, sewing quilts kind of Grandmother. No, those were not her things. She was the drinking coffee, playing cards kind of Grandmother. She was hard working and a little hard headed but I learned so much from her.

Before I could write, she taught me how to use a typewriter. When I was in high school, she bought me a Franklin planner and showed me the importance of staying organized. I still use my planner every day and would be lost without it. From her, I learned the importance of reading and that surrounding yourself with great girlfriends will get you through almost anything in life. Most importantly, she told me I could be anything I wanted to be, and I believed it, because she believed in me.

My Grandmother was a tough nut to crack. Life wasn’t always easy for her, but she had an amazing resilience. She never complained. Instead, she just kept trudging through life with amazing strength and courage, living without regrets or apologies.

The weekend before she passed away, I held her hand and promised her I would be fine. I told her if she was too tired, she could let go because she had given me the tools I needed to be okay in this life. Then, I brought her hand up to my lips and softly kissed it…as I took her hand away, I felt a gentle tug as she brought my hand to her lips and gently kissed me back.

To tell you about my Grandmother means reflecting upon myself, because underneath it all, I am my Grandmother’s granddaughter, and for that I will be forever thankful.

                             

 

 

 

 

 

Being thankful for the wonderful gift her life has been to this world.

The past few weeks have been tough. I got a call on Valentine’s Day that my Grandmother’s time was limited. It’s funny how drastic life’s ups and downs can be; how quickly things can change from one minute to another; how much one phone call or conversation can change your entire world.              

Being a parent is a tough job, and it is made even tougher by moments of sorrow. The idea of telling your kiddos something that will break their hearts seems unnatural. We spend our entire lives protecting them from pain, and during these times, there is no choice but to hurt them.

The day I found out about my grandmother, I sat both boys down and my heart raced as I explained, “Mama’s body is tired and she is telling us that she is done. Her life has been long and full…” They seemed to understand the best they could. I marveled at how differently they reacted.

 Hunter (my 14 year-old with Asperger's Syndrome) said, “Well, I’m not surprised, I have been expecting this for a long time.” He said it in a way that showed his sadness and pain, but he was very direct with his words. I assured him that feeling that way was perfectly fine because he had probably been preparing himself.

Grant (my NT 9 year-old) began to analyze what this would mean in his life (he is definitely my son)! He began to speak about how this would be the first death of someone he loved and how he would always remember it. He was very sad and confused about his emotions. I just held him, unsure what words could help in that moment.

When you are losing a loved one, your heart has to decide how to deal with the pain. You have to really contemplate what you can do to find peace. Living fourteen hours away from my Grandmother,  I had to do a lot of soul searching about whether I needed to make the trip to see her one last time. I finally made the decision that I would only feel right if I saw her again. It was going to cause lots of travel headaches and school conflicts, but I needed to get home. It was the only way to have peace in my heart.

I wanted to give the boys the option to see her one last time. I figured they were old enough to make that decision for themselves. I told them there was no right or wrong decision, but they had the option to go home and see her one last time.  I was so proud of both of them. They immediately told me how they felt.

Hunter immediately said, “I don’t want to see her again. I don’t want to remember her that way.” I totally understood how he felt. I had the same fear. I was so impressed with his ability to be in touch with his feelings and express his emotions.

Grant emphatically said, “I want to see her!!!” I knew he felt the same way I did. His heartstrings were being pulled. He needed the closure.

We began making the travel arrangements. Unfortunately, the weather did not cooperate. The snow just started falling and it seemed like it would never stop. We decided we had to put our travels off for a week.

By this time, my Grandmother was losing weight at a rapid pace and her eating had severely declined. I called and told her we were coming home to see her. She didn’t seem to understand much of what I was saying, but when I told her I was coming home, she weakly said, “when”. I knew in my heart that she was waiting on me. I called her several days that week to assure her that I would be home soon. Each time, she would ask how long until I would be home.

Finally, I made it home. I walked into her room. She lifted her head slightly to look at me, but no words were spoken. I sat down on the bed next to her. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I said my final goodbyes. I held her thin, fragile hand and tried my best to smile through the tears. I had no way of knowing for sure that she knew what I was saying. I just knew with every last bit of my soul that I had to get it all out, for me and for what was left of my Grandmother’s spirit.

I softly spoke to her, “I love you and I’m so sorry you have to go through this. You are an amazingly strong woman and I know this is not what you want. I just want you to know that I’ll be okay. I will be okay because you taught me how to be strong. I don’t want to lose you for selfish reasons, but I love you too much to see you like this. I just want you to know that if you are too tired, it’s okay."

I brought her hand up to my lips and softly kissed it…as I took her hand away from my mouth, I felt her gentle tug as she brought my hand to her mouth and gently kissed me back.

Losing her is hard, but I know she would expect me to hold it all together. I am trying to focus on the positive memories we have shared and focus on the wonderful gift her life has been to this world.

 

 

 

 

Bonding over sushi

These days it seems to be getting harder and harder to connect with Hunter. I feel like a drill sergeant constantly telling him to do his homework, pick up his clothes and drop the attitude. However, on this day, in between a dentist and orthodontist appointment, we found time to do a quick shopping trip to the “cool” store (where all the guys shop) and have a little sushi together. Sushi is our thing. He and his dad have football and action movies. We have our bonding time over sushi.

When we sat down at the table, he casually grabbed the menu and commented on which sushi rolls we had ordered the time before. It was so sweet to watch him take control of the situation. He remembered what we liked and didn’t like the last time we were there. He grabbed the paper and marked the rolls we wanted to order and handed it to the waitress. I am still getting used to this new confidence he has acquired. I love it!

As he sat across the table from me smiling and happily eating what he had ordered, I found joy and warmth in my heart. During our lunch, he actually talked to me. He didn’t roll his eyes or call me names under his breath. He smiled and talked to me about the kids at school, his recent basketball season, and yes... girls!!!  He actually seemed to enjoy his time with me. As our lunch was coming to an end, he even asked me if he could have the last few pieces of sushi, and sweetly asked the waitress for more lemonade, “please”. He used his table manners…score!

For me, this time with him is  not about a delicious lunch but about overcoming the other struggles we face daily. These teenage years are not easy. I am trying with everything I've go to give him every tool to succeed in life, but he fighting me with everything he's got. There are days where I see no hope for a close relationship with him. My battle for him to function as an independent and functional member of society is my focus, and he is not really on board with that idea.

On this day, however, we had a breakthrough moment. For this brief period of time, he saw me for me, not a drill sergeant or the mean person making him do his homework, but just me... his mom. Tomorrow will be different. We will be back to the daily grind, but today I will...

Amazing moment #3-Acceptance

From the time Hunter started showing signs of being on the spectrum, I hoped he would one day find acceptance amongst his peers. I knew that I could love him and shelter him to a point, but eventually, he would have to face the wrath of the preteen and teenage years. We all know those years can be tough, but they are much harder for kids on the spectrum. I hoped that he would find his niche.

His first 2 years of middle school were very lonely. No one invited him over to their house or to birthday parties. He felt very isolated. Then, kids starting calling him names and pretending to be nice just to do mean things to him. I watched his demeanor change drastically. It broke my heart.

As I mentioned in my last post, we decided to switch schools for Hunter in November. It was a hard decision, but the turning point for us was seeing the attitudes of the students at the new school. They were smiling and kind to each other.  They were loving and supportive. The atmosphere was different. It seemed like a good fit,  and we prayed we were right.

A week into the switch, one of the other moms at school told me that the kids loved Hunter. They were really excited to have him at the school and he already had tons of friends. He apparently fit right in!

Hunter made the basketball team. He is 6’3” tall and an 8^th grader, so the coaches and players were ecstatic. He has played on many recreational teams through the years, but he has never had the ability to make the school teams. Now, at this small school, he made the team. He was one of the guys. He was so excited.

Then the most amazing thing happened…we got a call asking if Hunter would like to go hang out at the mall with some of the boys (and girls) and go see a movie on Friday night. Of course, we let him go! He had an amazing time!! The kids loved him. They were nice to him.  His confidence soared. My heart sang!

We are now 2 months into the switch and not everything is perfect. His schoolwork is much tougher, and that is a nightly struggle. However, my son is happy. He has friends who truly care about him. They have now gone to the mall several times. He has had a friend spend the night. These boys look out for him. They accept his quirkiness. For now, he has found his niche and that is my amazing moment #3!

 

 

Amazing moment #2-Finding his Pleasantville

One day in early October, when I picked Hunter up from school, he got into the car and said, "I'm not going to be a good person anymore." I replied, "Excuse me"! He said, "It doesn't pay to be a good person anymore, so I'm not going to be one."

My mommy radar went off. We preach loving one another in our house. Something was going on. He had to be learning this from school. I knew things were not good. I knew he was struggling. It was hard for him to communicate to me exactly what was happening, but it was obvious kids were not being kind to him. I had to do something... and soon!

Several people I knew had recently switched their kids to charter schools in the area. I had heard really good things from all of them, so I decided to give it a try. I called the local charter school first thing the next morning. I knew there was a waiting list for most of the charter schools in this area, so I thought I would go ahead and get his name on the list. Amazingly, the registrar said, "We actually have 2 openings in 8th grade right now." What? Jackpot!! I asked to set up a meeting to speak with their resource teachers and principal. They got us in the next week.

I had spoken with Hunter about switching schools. I knew the change was going to be tough. He surprised me when he told me he wanted to go tour the school. The next week, my hubby, Hunter and I met with 2 resource teachers and the principal to find our more information. During the meeting, they were speaking to him and asking him questions. Immediately, he was laughing and smiling and communicating in a different way.  It was amazing to watch. He was totally in the zone.

They told us that the curriculum there could be grueling. They really step up the academics at this school. It scared me to death. Hunter struggles in that area, not due to intelligence, but just the lack of being able to get information from his mind to paper. He also struggles with organization. I wasn't sure if he would be able to handle it!

Then, they took us on a tour of the school. It was different from anything I had seen. The kids were walking around the hallways with smiles on their faces. Their was a confidence in these kids that was just different. The principal knew them all by name. They were high-fiving each other in the hallway.
As we walked into the classrooms, you could tell that the teachers were happy too! They were smiling and joking with the kids, but the kids were still learning. It was amazing!

As we left the building, my husband and I were joking that it was like we had been in a scene from Pleasantville.  I asked Hunter what he thought of the school, and he said he really like it. I called the next morning to set up a day for him to come sit in on some classes.

About a week later, I took him to the school to observe for a half day. When I picked him up, he was all smiles! He was happy and laughing and talking about all the kids and calling them by name. He was acting like a different kid!

Over the next week or so, I would bring up the idea of switching schools sporadically. He was becoming more and more anxious about the idea of changing schools and leaving the familiarity of his other school behind. He kept telling me he was 50/50 on whether or not he wanted to go through with it. He really liked the new school, but he didn't want to leave his friends (there were really only a couple of acquaintances) behind. I was really torn with what to do. I really didn't want to put undue stress on him. I began to observe his behavior. Every day, when I picked him up, I didn't see the same smile he had on his face when he came out of the charter school.  It took a few weeks from that initial meeting, but my mommy instincts told me we needed to make the switch.

My hubby and I discussed it, agreed, and sat him down to tell him. His anxiety hit top level. Wow oh wow was he not happy. He yelled and screamed and cried and said he wasn't going to go. I felt so bad for him. I knew that deep down in side he really wanted to give it a try, but the change was just overwhelming! I struggled between the stress this was causing him and knowing this was the right choice for him.

It took a few days to get the transfer paperwork done, but by the Monday of the next week, he was starting his new adventure! He hated me for it. The entire weekend before, I think he called me every name he could think of under his breath. He was so angry and scared. I was so excited for him and scared for him at the same time.

Even though my husband and I had both decided this was the best decision for him, in typical form, he was only angry with me. My husband decided that he would take him to school every day the first week. I agreed that it would be better. It took everything I had to not take him on his first day. I had walked him into his first day of school since pre-school, but I knew it was for the best.

I picked him up that first day of school and he came out all smiles. The second day it was the same. By the end of the week, he knew all the kids by name, and parents were telling me how much the kids loved Hunter!!  The following Monday, he was up and ready to go before he needed to be (first time ever)!!! His attitude was completely different! He was happy! Truly happy!

About three weeks later, on the way home from school one day, he said, "Mom, you know how at my old school I didn't really fit in. I would have to try really hard to be like the other kids?" I nodded.
"Well, at this school, I don't have to try. They just like me for who I am. I fit in without really trying. They like me for me." I smiled and nodded as the tears welled in my eyes!

Amazing moment #1-My son the football player

When Hunter was around three, we put him in t-ball. His coordination wasn't the best, but we hoped that he would enjoy the sport, and it would help him with his socialization. I just really wanted him to have fun. Instead, the frustration of not being able to hit the ball was just exhausting for him. It was just too much. We tried for a few seasons, but it just wasn't getting any better, so his baseball playing days came to an end.

When he was around 4, we decided to try soccer. Because the hand/eye coordination was not as essential, we hoped that maybe soccer would be fun for him. I can still picture the first soccer game. The other kiddos were kicking the ball and running toward the goal. Our little guy was stemming 10 feet away from everyone else. He was having fun. In in mind, he was playing, but he wasn't really participating in the game. We decided that maybe soccer wasn't his thing.

Luckily, he is a very tall boy, so basketball seemed to be a better fit. Once he got into elementary school, we signed him up. What he lacked in motor skills, he made up for in height. All he had to do was put his arms in the air for a block and nothing was getting by him.

I knew the chances of him making the school teams were unlikely, so I kept him engaged in recreational basketball. Unfortunately, last year was his last year because he aged out. I knew that we would have to start finding more social activities.

At the beginning of the school year, he got in the car one day after school and said, "I want to join the football team." What? You are 6'2" and 130 lbs!!! My momma bear instincts stepped up and I said, "There is no way you are setting foot onto that field!!"

When my hubby got home, his response was very similar to mine. For the next several days, his unwillingness to give up wore us down, little by little. Apparently, the students didn't have to try out for football. He knew he would make the team. He really wanted to fit in with the other kids.

Finally, we gave in, and $200 later worth of extra padding, an extra big mouth guard, and any other safety equipment I could throw in the cart, my boy was a football player. Every day when I picked him up from practice, I would breathe a sigh of relief when he hopped into the car with no arms or legs broken and no major cuts or bruises.

The day of his first football game arrived, and I am sure I was more nervous than him. Butterflies were having a dance party in my stomach. My husband had taken our youngest to a little league game, so I sat in the stands by myself. Flashbacks were running through my head of my little boy on the baseball fields and soccer fields. I just wanted him to have fun. I wanted him to feel cool and fit in with the other guys. I wanted him to not get hurt. Instead, he never played in the game.

He was so defeated. He was so angry and down on himself. It was awful to watch him suffer. This was no longer little league or 4 year-old soccer. This was a teenage boy who already didn't feel cool enough to fit in with the other kids and now, it was worse.

I would love to say that this only happened once, but it happened three more times. My momma claws didn't have to come out because pappa bear stepped in and made a call to the coach. If you are going to let all the boys on the team and have them practice every day, then you have to give them a little playing time (especially when you are winning every game by a landslide)!!

Needless to say, they started putting him in the game. It was only for a play here or there, but it didn't matter, he was playing football. Every time he would step onto the field, we would reach for our phones and cameras and capture each and every moment. I would hold my breath. I would pray he wouldn't get hurt. He didn't. Instead, he would walk off the field with a little more swagger. He would hold his head up just a little higher.

When the final game of the season came, and he took his final step onto the field, I leaned over to my husband and whispered in his ear, "Take this moment in. You may never see this again, so take it in..." Tears welled in his eyes.

After the game, Hunter strutted off the field. He was so proud of himself. He felt good. We have the pictures to prove that he played middle school football. Man, was I glad he didn't get hurt. All of it was surreal.

After the game, as we were walking to the car, Grant (his younger brother) walked up to him, patted him on the back and said, "You were amazing Hunter!"....and the tears rolled down my cheeks.

Yes, raising a child with Aspergers Syndrome can be tough. There are days that it can rip your heart right out of your chest, but there are other days that your heart soars! Those are the days you don't forget.