Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Holding my newborn baby...

The past few weeks have brought many challenges this “Sassy Aspie Mom” never thought I would face. I have had to make decisions that made me question my parenting, my relationships with family, and my relationship with God. I have had to reach deep within myself to find strength I didn’t know I had.
Through all of this, I have also done a lot of reflecting on my life. The one memory I can’t seem to get out of my head is that of me in the hospital holding my newborn son. I can vividly remember holding him and looking down at his sweet face and saying out loud to myself, “This is the reason I was put on this earth!” I can remember tears streaming down my cheeks and being more certain at that time than any other time in my life that this was why God put me here. This was my purpose!
Recently, I have started questioning this. I have started thinking that I was failing miserably at my purpose. Then, I heard a quote the other day, “God never wastes a hurt”. Wow, if that is true, then nothing has been wasted on me. The last 7 years since Hunter’s diagnosis have been filled with hurt.  Then, one day I started writing. I sat and wrote for an hour,  and when I finished, I could breathe. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had found purpose through my pain
As parents, I think we always question our decisions. Children don’t come with a manual. I always say that along with the children, I pushed out the guilt. As moms, I think we are just wired this way. I think we spend our entire lives worrying about our kids and wanting to make sure we are doing right by them. Sometimes we are amazing and sometimes we fail miserably, but we have to keep trying.
I believe that I gave my children life and they give me fullness of life. I hope that through this blog, I can help bring strength and determination to all of us (and there are so many)! We have to be able to reflect, regroup , and be ready for what tomorrow will bring!