Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Love/Hate Relationship

“I hate Aspergers!” That’s what my little guy screamed as he ran into the room. He was crying uncontrollably. I knew the boys had been fighting in the other room. I knew it was over one of those silly electronic devices. I have a love/hate relationship with those devices. They are my sanity in the moments of peaceful bliss and my hell in the moments of fighting.  

At that moment in time, I knew that it was about more than a little fight over a silly game. It was the constant picking that Grant is enduring. Hunter’s hormones have kicked in and he is, unfortunately, the brunt of everything his big brother can throw at him. I’ve been there. I get it. It is part of almost every day of my life, but I’m not eight. He’s not my big brother who I’m supposed to look up to. Grant is called short, stupid, idiot and many other names constantly. No matter what he does, it is not right. Those tears were not from a silly game. They were from a big brother who tore a remote control out of his hand and told him how he wasn’t doing it right…one more thing he wasn’t doing right!! 

I hugged him as he sobbed uncontrollably. I told him how sorry I was and that it wasn’t him. Then, I gave the remote control back to him. This little episode passed. My worries didn’t. I worry every day about how Aspergers will play out in Hunter’s life. He is not Aspergers. He has Aspergers. It does not define him, but it is part of him. It is part of how he thinks. It controls how he handles many things in life. I can give him the tools to deal with it. I am trying desperately to do just that, but it won’t be enough to save him heartache. It won’t keep him from hurting others sometimes because he doesn’t know how to handle a situation. It won’t keep him from hurting his little brother who loves him so much! 

I love my son more than words can express. I love all the things that make him special. I love the wonderful characteristics that make him unique and awesome, but I too hate how Aspergers can hurt him and those around him. I hate the pain it will cause him. At the same time, I love it because it is part of my son. I love that it has caused me to grow as a person in more ways than I ever thought possible. It has changed my priorities and my purpose in life. I am more patient. I am more understanding. I am more thankful for those amazing little moments in life.  

Yes, just like those video games, I have a love/hate relationship with Aspergers, but mostly love!!!