Fight the good fight

Here’s the truth about being an Autism Mom (or Dad)…some days we want to throw in the towel. Some days are just too hard. Sometimes the struggles are just too much to bear, but then something happens. Some magical yearning from deep within our belly pulls us out of bed, or off the sofa, or out of the slump we are dwelling within.  We get up and start all over again. No, it is not easy. Some days it would be so much easier to give up and throw the covers over our heads, but those sweet little faces look at us with a longing for love and acceptance. Those teenage eyes beg us for love, help and understanding for what they can’t understand themselves. We pull up our boot straps and we do it all for another day. We live to tell about it (but most of us don’t say a word). We don’t tell you about the tears that stream down our cheeks in the shower; or the nights we have cried ourselves to sleep; or the thousands of panic attacks we have had over making the right choices for our kids. What school should he go to? Should I homeschool? Should I let him play sports or will he be mistreated?  Are those friends REALLY being nice to him? Should I put him on the medications? Who can I trust? These, and many more things, are our daily struggles, but we choose to fight the good fight for our children!

Lessons from the day

On our way to Hunter's school yesterday morning, Hunter looked over at me, with sincerity and seriousness in his eyes, and said, "Mom, I am really nervous about today. Today is the new semester and I have new classes, and teachers, and new kids in the classes. You know I don't do well with change! What if I don't know anybody in any of my classes? What if they are hard?" My heart started breaking.


With our crazy Christmas break (more to come later) and trying to get back into the swing of things, it just hadn't registered yet. I usually gear up for these transitions. I usually try to prepare him. I usually try to prepare myself, but it had totally escaped me. The mommy guilt kicked in. All I knew to say was, "Sweetie, it will be fine. Things are always worse than they seem." All I could think was, "What a stupid, cliché answer!!!" Honestly, I just didn't know what to say. The truth is, just like all of us, he had to face his fears. For him, though, this is so much to take in. New faces, new subjects, new classrooms...change, change, change...for a person with autism, this is sensory overload. What could ever be the right answer for him?


I picked him up from school at the end of the day, and he told me they had had an assembly at school on bullying. He thought it was interesting. He looked at me and said, "You would have cried today. This dad was talking about his son committing suicide after he was bullied. It was so sad." I asked, "Did you cry?" I waited for a second, assuming the response was going to be a resounding "heck no I did not cry", but instead he looked down and said, "Yeah, I cried. It was hard to see the dad cry. You know, he was out of town when it happened, so he feels really bad!" Uggg...right to the heart. As a parent, those words are hard to hear. Spoken from your child, it just hits home even more. More than anything though, I was touched by his answers. I was astounded at the thought he had put into this poor father's speech.


When I asked him how the new classes were, he told me how many kids he knew in his classes. He told me about the new projects in his computer classes he was excited about. He was smiling and laughing as he talked about it. I guess my answer was right after all. "Things are always worse than they seem!!"


I try to learn a lesson from every day I am on earth. Yep, every day I look at my life and think, "What did life teach me today?"


The answers from yesterday:


Lesson # 1: No matter how old he gets, he still needs his mom. He might act like he doesn't, but he does!! He needs me to reassure him that everything will be ok, no matter how cliché my answer may be. He needs to know that no matter what life throws at him, no matter how hard the transition, I'm here. Tomorrow, he will be too big to need his Mom. That is what he will want me to believe, but I will resort back to Lesson #1


Lesson #2: My son with Aspergers syndrome has empathy. He has amazing, heartfelt empathy!!!! I was pretty sure he did, but the teenage years have put serious doubt into this theory. (I'm sure all of you parents with teenagers have empathy for me!!)


Lesson #3: I already knew this one, but I learned again today...this parenting gig his hard!! There are no right answers. There is just doing the best you can and hoping that your best is good enough.

Love/Hate Relationship

“I hate Aspergers!” That’s what my little guy screamed as he ran into the room. He was crying uncontrollably. I knew the boys had been fighting in the other room. I knew it was over one of those silly electronic devices. I have a love/hate relationship with those devices. They are my sanity in the moments of peaceful bliss and my hell in the moments of fighting.  

At that moment in time, I knew that it was about more than a little fight over a silly game. It was the constant picking that Grant is enduring. Hunter’s hormones have kicked in and he is, unfortunately, the brunt of everything his big brother can throw at him. I’ve been there. I get it. It is part of almost every day of my life, but I’m not eight. He’s not my big brother who I’m supposed to look up to. Grant is called short, stupid, idiot and many other names constantly. No matter what he does, it is not right. Those tears were not from a silly game. They were from a big brother who tore a remote control out of his hand and told him how he wasn’t doing it right…one more thing he wasn’t doing right!! 

I hugged him as he sobbed uncontrollably. I told him how sorry I was and that it wasn’t him. Then, I gave the remote control back to him. This little episode passed. My worries didn’t. I worry every day about how Aspergers will play out in Hunter’s life. He is not Aspergers. He has Aspergers. It does not define him, but it is part of him. It is part of how he thinks. It controls how he handles many things in life. I can give him the tools to deal with it. I am trying desperately to do just that, but it won’t be enough to save him heartache. It won’t keep him from hurting others sometimes because he doesn’t know how to handle a situation. It won’t keep him from hurting his little brother who loves him so much! 

I love my son more than words can express. I love all the things that make him special. I love the wonderful characteristics that make him unique and awesome, but I too hate how Aspergers can hurt him and those around him. I hate the pain it will cause him. At the same time, I love it because it is part of my son. I love that it has caused me to grow as a person in more ways than I ever thought possible. It has changed my priorities and my purpose in life. I am more patient. I am more understanding. I am more thankful for those amazing little moments in life.  

Yes, just like those video games, I have a love/hate relationship with Aspergers, but mostly love!!!

Autism Moms

I walked into the work room at school the other day to do some volunteer work at my little guy’s school. I truly thought I had it all together. I was dressed up, I had my makeup on and my hair done. Once again, for another day, I thought I was pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes. “Never let them see you sweat!” Isn’t that the motto? Well, that’s how I work this whole Autism Mom situation. I pull myself up every single day by my boot straps. I put on a smiling face. I try to make myself look confident and sure of myself by looking the part. I don’t do it for anyone else. I do it for myself. Probably because it is the only control I have. It is the only thing that makes me feel confident in this job I have been given. No, I didn’t ask for it. I’m sure I’m not the best at doing it. It is just the job I have right now. I don’t have the option to screw it up.



This day had been a tough one. I had spent the entire morning on the computer. Another morning of countless emails back and forth to the teachers explaining how Hunter was being dishonest again and wasn’t turning in his assignments. They didn’t know how to handle it. Was it okay to give him detention? He wouldn’t sit still. He was skipping tutoring. Another morning of situations I just don’t know how to handle. I’m not the expert. I’m just his mom, and to be honest, I don’t have a damn clue!! I just know I am spending my entire day answering these emails and my entire afternoon and evening will be spent fighting with him about homework. I only know that I am exhausted by all of this and sometimes wonder if any of the fighting is actually doing him any good or just wearing me out.



So, I walked into the work room. I put on a smile and said hi to the teachers and other mom’s there. Then, I ran into one of the other “Autism Mommy’s”. She looked at me with a sympathetic grin and said, “You are having a tough day, aren’t you?” I looked at her with a little bit of shock and embarrassment. I was sure I had covered the stress up with the mound of concealer covering my dark circles and a little bit of lip gloss. I said, “How did you know?” She just smiled and said, “I’ve had that look many times myself. I get it.” I just explained to her that it had been a tough morning dealing with the teachers, smiled, and turned to go do my work. Truth is, I turned with a tear in my eye. Truth is, my heart was warmed. Somebody got it!!



This “Autism Mom” job isn’t an easy one. I’ve yet to hear any of us ask for sympathy. Honestly, it is just a lonely place. I’ve had so many friends and family say they wish they knew how to make it better. Well, here is the formula to help your friends and loved ones raise a child with autism...love them, hug them when they need it, offer to help when you can, send kind emails and text messages and acknowledge that some days are tough. No, you can’t always make the tough days better, but just having someone else acknowledge that today sucks, and that’s ok, somehow makes the day a little easier.

Kindness in their eyes

Last weekend my husband took our family horseback riding as a gift for my birthday.  As long as I can remember, horses have been a source of relaxation for me. I think it has something to do with their gentle power. There is something about the kindness in their eyes that melts my heart. Climbing on a horse takes me to another place. It has been so long since I have ridden, so this was the perfect gift!

Since our move to Texas, I have promised the boys that we would take them riding, so they were both excited. Neither one of them had ever been on a horse, so this was going to be quite an adventure. I figured Hunter was going to be a nervous wreck. Because of his Aspergers, any change is difficult for him and the unknown is even worse, so I wasn’t sure what was coming.

When we arrived at the stables, the guys working there helped each of us saddle up on the appropriate horse. Grant (non-aspie and 8 years-old) was the first to get on his horse. The horse's name was Texas. He was a large, brown, beautiful horse. Grant acted like he had been on a horse a million times. He looked so comfortable. He seemed to instinctively know what to do. I have to say that it warmed this mom’s heart.

The guys gave me a beautiful horse by the name of Poppy. Poppy was an eater. She would eat the grass and plants and leaves off the tree, so while watching over everyone as they mounted their horses, I was struggling with her a bit, but man was she fun!

Hunter (12 year-old aspie) was next. His horse was named Cookie. Cookie was a black and white spotted horse. It was the one both boys wanted, so he was pretty excited to get to ride him. Hunter had not been nervous all day (much to my surprise), but while we had been waiting for our horses, he seemed to get more and more nervous by the minute. I was really nervous to see how he would react. I was praying for no meltdowns. When it was his turn, my boy climbed on that horse like it was nothing….and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Jeff was next. I think he got the oldest horse they had!! The horse’s name was Blazer. We were all chuckling. Somehow, Hunter and Grant got the young, spry horses, and Jeff got the one who had been around the block a few times! It made for a great laugh.

We took a trail ride, and we were with several other families. Grant was so ready to go that he ended up with another family at the front of the group. I ended up few people back from him, and Hunter and Jeff (with his very slow horse) ended up at the back of the pack.

The trail ride was beautiful. It could not have been a more perfect fall day. It had rained right before our ride, so the greenery looked fresh and beautiful. It was a late afternoon ride, so the sun was starting to go down. The lakes we passed had that beautiful evening glow from the setting sun. Grant would turn around every once in a while to point out a cactus or a deer in the woods. I had to keep reminding him to HOLD ON with both hands because he was getting so excited.

 At one point, we had to go through a gate, so I trotted Poppy up to Grant to help him guide Texas. We both made it through just fine, so I turned around to check on Jeff and Hunter. I was amazed at what I found. Hunter was smiling! I mean really smiling!! I mean that innocent, childlike, nothing like it smile!! Of course I’ve seen it before, but it has been so long! It was before our move to Texas away from family, friends, and familiarity.  It was before these horrible thing called hormones invaded his body. It was before those hormones mixed with Asperger’s Syndrome making life so confusing for him and such turmoil for all of us. I teared up! I breathed! I smiled. Unlike the gentleness in the eyes of those horses, Hunter’s eyes, so many times have fear and confusion and anger. For that hour long ride, his eyes too had a gentleness in them, a kindness to them. It was an amazing transformation!

When the ride was over, Grant could not wipe the smile off his face. He was so excited! He just kept asking if we could do this again. Hunter had a different reaction. He walked around to each of the horses and pet them and stared into their eyes. The horses stared back. He seemed changed in that moment.

When we got in the car, Grant said what an amazing time he had and asked how soon we could do it again. Hunter said something even more amazing, “I loved that more than Minecraft!” Jeff and I looked at each other with our mouths wide open, as I said, “I’m so glad buddy!! We will have to do this again very soon!"

What an amazing day!!!

Thank you

This past year has been tough in so many ways. It has taught me many things. I've had to swallow my pride more than once. I've had to get through many things I never could have imagined. I've lost people in my life who I thought were friends. I've gained new friends and a renewed trust in the human spirit. Many people have disappointed me. Many have truly amazed me. To all of you who have loved me unconditionally through the good and the bad (and you know who you are), thank you!! For all of you who called or sent a text just to make sure today was a better day...thank you!!

After moving 14 hours away from home, family and friends and starting all over again, I started writing to deal with my feelings. I started writing this blog 7 months ago and it has been an amazing experience. It has made a difficult time in my life bearable. It has uplifted me and been therapeutic in so many ways. It has reunited me with many friends from the past. I am so happy to hear feedback and know that the things I am writing mean something to so many of you!   For all of you who have supported me in this new endeavor, thank you!

Knocking down the brick wall

Sometimes as parents we wonder if we are talking to "brick walls". No matter how much we talk to our kids, it seems like they just don't hear us. I deal with this with both of my boys, but with Hunter, the job is a real challenge. Aspergers makes the communication much more difficult, and he is also a pre-teen, so whatever I say normally goes in one ear and out the other. My husband always reminds me that it is our job as his parents to keep talking. No matter what, we have to keep pounding the messages, until eventually they hit home with him. Eventually, some of it will sink in and he will get it. Well, here goes hubby...deep breath...YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

Since Hunter was old enough to go to school, he has hated it. He has loved many of his teachers, but the actual schoolwork has always been tough for him. Due to his fine motor skill issues, handwriting is so hard for him, and his ADHD makes sitting and concentration difficult, so homework is a real nightmare most of the time. Eventually by the first month of school, we are fighting every night to get him to do his homework. He shuts down. He gets frustrated, and we get more and more worried about his future.

He is in middle school now, so I have really started the conversations with him about what he wants to do when he grows up. How does he want to earn a living? How will he buy the many things he says he wants? How will he support a family? What career can he see himself doing in the future? I try to explain to him that the study habits and work ethic he develops now will carry him into his future. I normally have these conversations with him in the car on the way to school. I figure it is the only time I have him trapped and there are no distractions. He normally stares out the car window like he is staring into the abyss. I usually drop him off and wonder if he actually heard a single word I said. Then, he comes home from school and the lack of interest in schoolwork continues, and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Last week, during one of my "I have you in the car and you are trapped" conversations, I asked him what he would like to do when he is an adult, and he looked at me and said, "What do you think I would be good at?"  What? Huh? Excuse me, did you just ask my opinion? Just a reminder, I am the Mom who know nothing at all, and you just asked me what I thought. I had to hold back a smile. I felt this glimmer of hope run through my body as I answered, "Well, I think you would be a wonderful football historian or a sports reporter. I think you could also write books about the history of football." He looked at me in surprise and excitement and asked how he could do that, so I suggested he speak with his counselors at school to find out what classes he should take as electives. I also suggested that he start writing blogs during the football games on Sundays to help get him used to writing and reporting. He seemed excited! I was in shock.

Nothing else was said about our conversation until the next morning when I received an email from his resource teacher asking if I knew why Hunter wanted to go see the counselor. I about spit my coffee all over my computer. I was in shock. I called and explained it to her, and she was as thrilled as I was about this little spark we were seeing in him.

 I don't know what caused the sudden excitement in him. I don't know if it will last. What I do know is that he heard me. He actually listened to me and took my advice. He also understood that I believe in him and that I know he can do amazing things.  My wish for both of my boys is that they make a living doing something they love to do and end each day knowing they have done their best at whatever that happens to be. For right now, I am going to take my husband's advice and just keep talking.