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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Sometimes people are not who we would like for them to be

The week I left to go home was a tough one. School had just let out and the change was really affecting Hunter. When the change kicks in, so does his harassment of Grant. This in turn leads to meltdown central in our home. Hunter's new way of dealing with his stress is to call Grant names. His favorites are "idiot, " "stupid, " and his new found, pre-teen cuss word, "ass".

We made a prompt trip to the therapist's office where I continually ask her to set up a wine bar, but it still has not happened. Her words were helpful, truthful, and painful beyond words. Hunter, Grant, and I went to this appointment. We normally start out by letting her know what we would like to talk about during the session. I immediately told her the words Hunter had been using towards Grant, and how hurtful they were to him. Hunter reiterated with , "Well, he is stupid!"

After asking Grant how this behavior makes him feel and trying to get an answer out of Hunter, she laid it all out on the table! She looked at Grant and told him that sometimes people are not who we would like them to be. Hunter probably won't be the big brother you would like for him to be, so you have to stop hoping for that to happen. Sometimes moms and dads are not the parents we need, and sometimes brothers and sisters are not the siblings we need. Hunter is just not capable right now of being the big brother you should be able to look up to, so you have to stop doing that and know that this has nothing to do with you! You can't let him determine your self-worth.

Hunter then proceeded to tell her she was rude, and she let him know she was just being honest. I was floored! She was not rude at all, but she was truthful. The truth is that as a parent of a kid with Aspergers, I am constantly protecting him from kids at school and worrying about his future. I am always trying to keep him on the right track, but fail often at this task. As much as I love him with all of my heart, there is still this ego-centric side that can be hard to like. It is the part of the syndrome I like the least. It is the part that makes me angry and scared for what his future holds. It makes me scared for what his relationships will be like in the future. It makes me sad for the relationship that may end up lost with his brother.

I have been told that many of the symptoms of Aspergers level out by the end of high school and beginning of college. My hope is that with a lot of hard work, I can teach Hunter how to love others and himself and lead him down a path for a happy and successful life. I also hope to teach Grant how to love his brother, but to never lose sight of his self-worth and confidence. I hope I am up for the task!